Helpless

Was it my fault?

Believe, needs a big courage to own it.
"I believe what I heard." "I believe what I saw." "I believe in you."
All these, just seem so fake to me.
The reason I am so MOODY these few days is I am starting to hate myself.

Let me tell you what happened.

-On that day, I came back to school. I was happy for no reason. When I was taking my lunch, a sudden phone call scared me off. They said, he fell down. At first, I thought it was just a minor injury or something. However, as I reached his house. He sat on the sofa, in a subconscious state.
We asked him, "How did you fall?". He did not answer. He fell down since 3-4hours ago and no one discovered it!

We then hurriedly took him to the nearest hospital. The doctor said there were 2 blood clog in his head, one was quite a long time ago, another would be probably just occur. And the useless hospital told us that he was needed to transfer to another hospital because they did not have complete scanner to scan his brain or whatever. He was lying in the ambulance, saw us, smiled a bit. I thought his smile told us that he was quite okay.

After transferring him to another hospital, he was placed in the HCU (I think) where only 2person are allowed to go inside. Everyone of us took turn to visit him and I was the last one. You know, hospitals are cold, freezing cold. I saw him, lying on the ward, with those wire connected here and there. I pitied him. He seemed so tired. After that day, he was transferred to a normal ward. Almost everyday, we visited him, he slowly became healtier. Until one day, he couldn't remember all of us, couldn't talk, couldn't write... Everyone broke down into tears. I controlled, I managed to control but till his sickness has gotten worse; until she asked him who was I, he only knew to nod his head. I looked down on my phone, pretended to play games but I was crying. Luckily, the doctor said that was just temporary because of the used of medicine and his salt level. Slowly, I saw improvement in his condition. He finally talked and asked me, "You just finished your tuition?". Satisfied.

His condition seemed to improve a lot. It was time for me to prepare my trial exam. One day, it was when I came back from school again. My mom told me he was in comma. I was shocked! Why suddenly in comma? I blinked back my tears, kept telling myself he'll be alright. At 3something in the afternoon, there was another phone call. My mom turned and said, "Hurry up and pack whatever books and things. We're going to the hospital. Call your dad! He...cannot wait any longer..." From what she said, I knew, I totally understood. Really, my tears wouldn't listen to me. We rushed to the hospital, everyone was there already. All I could see was he lying on the ward, no more response... HE PASSED AWAY. I couldn't believe it. On the following day was my first day of exam. My eyes were wet and swollen. I cried for the whole day.

On the funeral day, I felt so sorry because I had exam. If it wasn't so important, I would want to go, I would DEFINITELY want to go. Still, I went on that night. I saw him through the coffin. This time, I smiled. I forced myself to smile. The next day, he was sent to be buried. I was absent because of exam too. Exam, exam, exam. ---

I just felt so helpless on that moment. I should have chat with him, talk to him more. I regret. The he I mentioned just now, I guess you know who?
Yeah, my grandpa.

I remember those childhood memories when I was used to ride on his bike. He fetched me to buy newspaper, buy bread... And I used to climb his back, lol actually I climbed his back to jump on to the other side.

I can't write anymore, I am afraid I can't control myself again...

End

I miss you, grandpa.